Fatboys
Gains so sweet your macros need their own macros.
Track your lifting, your eating and your fasting. Ignore the bros below. Or don’t. We’re not your mum.
Real results*
*Results not real. Legs not included.
Downloaded the app. Already bought a £40 shaker.
Has opinions about creatine. Nobody asked. Tells them anyway.
Can no longer scratch his own back. Considers this a PR.
Has skipped leg day 1,095 times in a row. Held upright by spite.
0
peer-reviewed studies consulted by the bros above
∞
reps in reserve (claimed, never demonstrated)
100%
of users have been told about someone’s creatine
Bro science, peer reviewed by other bros
None of this is true. All of it has been said to you at a gym.
“If you don’t have a shake within 30 minutes of training, your muscles literally dissolve. I saw it on a reel.”
— Tyler, 24
Anabolic window cleaner
“Cardio kills gains. I haven’t walked to the fridge since 2019. I have a guy for that.”
— Brayden, 27
Bulking since the Obama administration
“Leg day is a myth invented by Big Squat to sell more squat racks.”
— Dom, 31
Chicken legs, conspiracy brain
“Chicken, rice, broccoli. Six meals a day. My girlfriend left, but my macros stayed.”
— Kyle, 22
Emotionally unavailable, nutritionally consistent
“Muscle confusion, bro. I keep my muscles guessing. Also my doctor. Also my landlord.”
— Jace, 29
Never done the same workout twice (or remembered one)
“Protein shake at 3am. Muscle never sleeps. Neither do I. Neither do my neighbours.”
— Connor, 25
Blender owner, noise complaint recipient
“I read one study. Well, the abstract. Well, the title. Anyway, you’re doing it wrong.”
— Chad, 23
Self-certified sports scientist
“Rest days are for people who want to rest. I want to be sore forever.”
— Rhys, 30
Walks down stairs backwards
What it actually does
Programmes that aren’t from a forum at 2am
Twenty-eight routines based on programmes people actually run, with the weights worked out for you, so you can stop DMing a stranger called Swole_Dave_88.
A robot that adds the weight
Hit your reps and it adds 2.5 kg. Miss three times and it deloads you. Blame the robot. The robot is fine with it.
Food logging with a timeline
Log what you ate and when. Lie about the weekend if you must. The calories know. The calories always know.
Streaks, points and badges
Dopamine for people who need a spreadsheet to feel something. Break the streak and we will absolutely mention it.
Messages in six attitudes
Factual, motivational, funny, sarcastic, rude or abusive. Pick abusive and we make you confirm it. Twice, emotionally.
Fasting, tracked
For when you’ve decided breakfast is a social construct. We time it. We do not clap.
Not medical advice. Barely fitness advice. Talk to a doctor, not a guy called Brad.